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Between the Shadow and the Soul [LOCKED]

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Between the Shadow and the Soul [LOCKED] 0 13

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Between the Shadow and the Soul

by Ruevian » November 09, 2020 03:39 PM

Last Edited: June 20, 2021 09:53 PM

"She wasn't at the estate. She was in Hope, where she truly belonged. It was okay. It had to be okay. The ghostly ache of her scars throbbed once more in resentment, then faded into numbness. "


CW: references to abuse

-----

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

~Pablo Neruda


-----

Yet again, Rue woke up with a scream lodged in the center of her throat, burning and sickening. She stared into the darkness, panting and swallowing back bile, her Thespian eyes picking out reassuring details even as the scars on her back burned: book shelves full of human texts both fiction and educational, her lab coat hung on a hook by the door, the half-eaten bag of chips on the low table she used to write and work on arcane algorithms.

More grounding than any of these, however, was the heavy weight of a solidly muscled arm at her hip, the warmth of a dense chest at her back. Shady's body curled against her in that perfect way she had yet to fully accept was real. Now she sank into the sensation with a desperate relief that left her in a shaking sigh.

She wasn't at the estate. She was in Hope, where she truly belonged. It was okay. It had to be okay. The ghostly ache of her scars throbbed once more in resentment, then faded into numbness.

Rue sniffled and carefully reached up to brush the dampness from her cheeks, and suddenly realized Shady was awake. She shifted in his arms to face him, and in the shadows she could see his mismatched eyes glowing like embers. She smiled her most charming smile to try and chase the lines of grim concern from his face.

"Sorry," she whispered. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"No worries," he rumbled back, and reached up to swipe one thick, callused thumb gently under her eye. The simple, tender gesture made her eyes well up and suffocating pressure swell in her chest. Her smile crumpled, her undisguised Thespian ears drooped, and Rue had to wrench herself away from him to sit at the edge of the bed before whatever dignity she had left was shattered.

Shady remained where he was, and she could feel his eyes on her bare back, where her braided hair couldn't hide the long, ragged strips of skin so pale they were nearly white. Years of cruelty and pain, and these were the only evidence -- she hadn't yet learned the art of healing at so young an age.

"I'm sorry," Rue rasped, and wished she could still sink into the blissful hollow numbness that she escaped to in her youth. The price of happiness, it seemed, was also having to feel everything else. She couldn't pick and choose what emotions she felt. And now that she had happiness, the fear and pain of her past would creep like ichor into the cracks and stain it all.

"You wanna talk about it?" Shady asked, patient and more steady with her than he was in public. She pushed her tousled bangs from her forehead, blinking rapidly to try and clear her tears.

"Just bad dreams. My m-mother...it's hard to put into words." She preferred to pretend that part of her life never happened, really, but it didn't look like that was an option. With a bitter chuckle, she twisted to give Shady a conspiring grin. "If she ever showed up here, what would you do?"

He blinked slowly at her, like a contented beast after a meal. "Nothin' good, Princess. Nothin' good." Rue's smile faded and her ghostly white eyes lidded in dark satisfaction.

"You always know just what to say to make me feel better." She climbed back under the covers and pressed herself to his side, a hand on his chest and a leg over his thigh. She traced the shape of his own scar and wondered if he'd ever tell her where he got it. Sometimes she could just make out the shape of his pain, if she really focused, but it would never hold.

They were still clinging to masks, even now.

"Sometimes I think I'm not a very good person," Rue said after a moment, thinking about pain and vengeance and blood. Of shedding masks and opening up the terrible wound in her heart that never quite healed, if it meant Shady would do the same.

"Neither am I," he replied, one big hand pressed to her back, like he could protect her from the whip that tore her all those years ago. "Nobody's all good. We're all just doin' the best we can. 'Specially you."

"And if I fail?" she murmured. "If you see just how ugly I can be?"

"I'll just hafta remind you of who you really are."

What if who she really was was just an echo of her mother? Another link in a chain of evil dating back generations? What if Rue, the school nurse, was just another Role and the rotten core of who she really was would --

Her thoughts abruptly ended with a gentle tug to her braid. "I can hear you thinkin', Princess," Shady growled. "If you can see any good in me, after everything I've done, then maybe you should turn that around on yourself. Cut yourself the same slack you do for me."

She swallowed the knot in her throat and shimmied even closer to his warmth, delighting in the slide of skin on skin. "You're really cutting into my mysterious brooding schedule."

"Someone's gotta, might as well be me."

Rue laughed, then sighed, "I love you." She felt his muscles stiffen, like he was bracing for a blow or another shoe to drop, then turned and buried his nose in the top of her head.

"Yeah," he replied gruffly. "I love you too." She smiled and closed her eyes, knowing sleep would claim her again if she let it. And she would, because whatever nightmares plagued her, she was safe.

At last.

-----

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


-- "Between The Shadow and The Soul" by Pablo Neruda
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Re: Between the Shadow and the Soul

by LynnStarDragon » November 09, 2020 04:49 PM

How do I leave more than one kudos?

Seriously, this is amazing and I’m screaming over here. The tenderness, the little moments and pauses and the Body Language! The little sleeping habits couples have! Yes! Just... just yes!

I could be here all day shouting about how/why this is so good. But for now, I bow to the friend-fic queen.
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Re: Between the Shadow and the Soul

by Ruevian » November 09, 2020 05:49 PM

Thank you, Lynn, that means a lot coming from you! But don't let Scribe hear you calling me the friend-fic queen...
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Re: Between the Shadow and the Soul

by LynnStarDragon » November 10, 2020 05:17 AM

*Shifty eyes* We can have two Queens. Maybe a Queen and an Empress. Different nuances, similar level of importance.

Or we can just make Scribe the Head Director of Friend-Fictions....

(I'm in danger, aren't I?)
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Re: Between the Shadow and the Soul

by Rayne » November 10, 2020 09:49 AM

N....NOT ALLOWED...T'MAKE ME CRY...THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING!!!

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Re: Between the Shadow and the Soul

by Dread » November 10, 2020 02:10 PM

slams my hands on the table The tenderness...ahhh ;3;
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Re: Between the Shadow and the Soul

by Lycus » November 20, 2020 01:41 PM

Last Edited: March 27, 2021 06:11 PM

Yum... Though this entry contains many bitter notes, the darker flavors = balanced by a soothing sweetness! Comparison: a fine chocolate, or a delectable computer wire. And my studies have demonstrated that cuddling = very good for lonely nights!
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