My computer broke over winter break so we sent it in to get repaired and they said it'd be ready by the 25th. Now I'm back at school and trying to get by without a computer which is difficult for a business major who has a lot of blended classes so I've been waiting patiently for my laptop to be done so it can be shipped to me. I was expecting it to be finished tomorrow and to get it to school by monday. Except I was just told it won't be ready until MARCH so my dad is sending me a new laptop, except we don't have money for a new laptop, and I just lost my work study money so this is really horrible and we can't afford this, not really, and I'm worried what will happen but also all my work was on my laptop, like three months of comic work and writing, and it kind of kills me to think I might lose that. My dad already works 11 hours a day, seven days a week, this isn't okay, but he didn't even give me any options, just bought the laptop. I'm worried.

I got an offer to work full-time, and even though the pay is definitely too low I’m about 90% sure that I’ll accept if only because having to actively search for full-time work has cranked up my anxiety into overdrive. And now the question of how much money to ask for and how to argue that I’m worth it when I don’t even completely believe it is wreaking havoc on my nerves, along with having to figure out my new living situation (and also worrying about what if this turns out to be a dead-end job that I’ll hate, b/c you can never have enough things to stress over, right?). Eventually I’ll be in a better headspace to figure this all out, but for now my head's a little all over the place.

My friend that I mentioned in the previous post is just.....absent. If they're not working they're exhausted from working or need to handle other adult responsibilities and it leaves them no time to be online. And I understand, I truly do. That's the nature of life changing and I'm doing what I can to be supportive of them in what little time we have to chit chat during the days. But that leaves me here, alone. Left behind while they move forward and watching them slip away just like every other friend I've ever had. I fear so much that it'll come to a day when we stop speaking because they don't have time anymore, or they'll just get sick of me like everyone else. I don't know what to do anymore. A huge chunk of my emotional foundation has been ripped out from under me and....I feel empty. I feel numb. I feel like I can't say any of this to them, because then I'm placing the burden of my feelings on them and then I become just an annoyance, another reason to be ignored and left behind just like always.

I have a schedule this semester where one class starts at the same time the other class ends. Both are only once a week, so attendance is a big deal. In looking at the syllabus for one of these classes, I realised that I might have to miss the other a couple days (it's performance rehearsals or performance dates). No big deal – I'll just work extra hard to keep up. But first day of the other class, the prof told us that if we can't come every day we should just drop out now. I'm annoyed with both classes. It's an easy fix and the profs already said they'd work something out, but I can't drop either class to fix the problem, it's my last semester, and the performance schedule is insane and the other class expects so much of us without accounting for real life in the slightest.

Non-lucid rambles. [spoiler] Well the school year started and I'm already starting a downward spiral. Even though my Chinese teacher told me I didn't have to know everything after I had a breakdown last week, I just looked over the stuff we'll be learning and I realized I knew, what...five phrases at most out of so many? We only have 3 weeks if that before assessment and not to mention I'm supposed to be Chinese in the first place. The only fluent person I can ask for help is my mother, but I can't ask *her*, otherwise who knows what shit is going to happen to me. Also, my maths class. Everyone seems so smart and special and oh, Science, too. I'm sure pushing toast off a bench top forty times is okay, but the whole *memorization* aspect of it is just- I can't. Oh my god, I guess I'll just fail all these important subjects because we have EXAMS this year and become a really bad starving artist. It's not that I don't want to do maths and science and languages, I just love them in theory but hate the actual practical aspects of it. Or maybe I'm just lazy and entitled and siphoning off my parent's hard work and resources except I'm not completely insane, I've known for a long time that they aren't exactly good for me- it's just difficult to not pin all the blame on one thing. And I probably shouldn't even be posting this stuff here, because everyone else has real, adult, problems of their own- finding jobs and managing work and real life is surely more important than freaking out over an A instead of an A+? And the internet is a bad place to seek solace anyhow, because places for anxiety and depression and mental illness just become this shout box of despair which amplifies "life is not worth living." It's so easy to be caught in the mentality of the majority. I want to be smart, I really do. I've tried various aspects of STEM subjects, because that's what people define as smartness and success, you know, it's just impossible for me to like working. I'm really just a lazy, selfish, and apathetic person inside this veneer of panic. And- as for "people who dropped out and had GREAT success stories"- I'm definitely not one of them. No social skills, no kindness or motivation, no discipline, no nothing. Entrepreneurs who redefined "success" dropped out because their skills were incompatible with a traditional learning model- but what happens when someone has no skills in or out of the education system? No skills or redeeming qualities? Then isn't someone like that-someone who is me-essentially a parasite? I don't know what's wrong. [/spoiler]

[quote="Quinineer"] [spoiler]And I probably shouldn't even be posting this stuff here, because everyone else has real, adult, problems of their own- finding jobs and managing work and real life is surely more important than freaking out over an A instead of an A+? [/spoiler] [/quote] [spoiler]Honestly, friend, never feel bad about venting here. That's what it's here for. Everyone has problems and doubts and fears they need to vent and get off their chests, and yours aren't any less important to get out, regardless of how "important" the issue is. [/spoiler]

[quote="Quinineer"] And- as for "people who dropped out and had GREAT success stories"- I'm definitely not one of them. No social skills, no kindness or motivation, no discipline, no nothing. Entrepreneurs who redefined "success" dropped out because their skills were incompatible with a traditional learning model- but what happens when someone has no skills in or out of the education system? No skills or redeeming qualities? Then isn't someone like that-someone who is me-essentially a parasite? [/quote] But you're good at art. Your worries are totally valid, but don't think that art will only ever leave you starving and broke. You're this young and that good - the art world is your oyster right now. Though, I do com-plete-ly understand if your family won't even let you consider such a thing. But don't ever think you have no skills. You totally do. And you have options with that skill in your pocket if you choose to go down that road.

Wouldn't it be lovely to have a day, just even a day, when your to-do list shrank instead of grew? /petty problems

Ack, I signed up on some drawing contests thinking that it might boost up some enthusiasm and practice but as the deadlines draw closer I feel even more tired/apathetic and annoyed at myself. A part of me wants to apologize to the host and remove myself from these drawing activities till I actually feel determined instead of forcing the drive to do so, but the other just.. [i]sighs..[/i]

Blurghhrhr. I have a sty in my right eye. Why.