10/17/18 PC I know I said I was going to try and fix my writing schedule, but I got to talking with my Kith after classes today before they went off to bed so I started my homework late, which means I'm journaling before bed again (Ugh, morning classes are the [i]WORST[/i]. At I get to eat breakfast with Rhosyn). Yay? The burn I got on my thumb sometime last month is slightly discolored where it healed and it has me vaguely concerned. It's not so much vanity as a desire for symmetry - yeah, that sounds pretty vain, doesn't it? I know that a warrior is supposed to pride themselves on their scars, but a burn scar from bacon isn't a riveting story of self-sacrifice and bravery. I've got an early day tomorrow, so I will say that Rhosyn and Citrine thought it would be fun to have a 'cross-cultural' day among my Kith and I (I just realized they don't have a lot of outside friends, not sure what I can do about that), but I told them that would have to wait until after Halloweave. Rhosyn responded that [size=11][color=pink]sharing Enchanted Forest and Hope treats would be a great way to combine the two[/color][/size], so I had to explain how ambitious that would be, especially since not many were interested in my first attempt. They then suggested handing them out as Spook Room prizes, so now Lapis and Citrine (whom had somehow forgotten) are panicking over it all over again! I'll have to make sure it's still there, although I imagine there'll be a bit of a re-design with Rhosyn there to help keep their ideas in check and Jasper wanting to help host it as well. I've been slowly working on collecting sweets, but I haven't been able to dedicate the time to it I would like to. Fingers crossed we're able to pull one of these things off!

10/18/18 PC Ugh, I haven't had the time to dedicate to doing [i]anything[/i] around Hope recently besides the occasional quest and I'm starting to get frustrated, because I already made plans for work this weekend, which means tomorrow after classes will be spent cleaning my room and. . . *sigh* I know [s]I should[/s] not everything has been a chore, tonight was a nice evening visiting and chatting with a former nestmate, but I just wish there was time to do everything! I really should ask Lenta about teaching me magic, although I've heard time magic is one of the hardest to master - I'm just not emotionally ready, I guess. I'm not sure if I'll ever get there, to be honest. Some scars only grow more pronounced with time, and when the wound's healed, it's hard to bring oneself to re-visit that pain. It's just hard for me to feel welcome there, even after hearing [s]the Princess Celariel's[/s] many of their Secrets (Don't tell anyone, but I plan to share my Secret with each Shopkeeper that has given me theirs for Palentine's Day. It seems only fair). I wish I was able to leave on a clean slate like the Kith - I mean, [s]I wish I[/s] I thought that's what it would be like. A new place, a new start with a completely clean slate. But instead I've carried all this weight along with me, and while no one knows me, that makes it harder instead of easier. [s] You have to fight to be[/s] I'm used to everyone knowing each other from hatchlings - from constantly being around the same people (avoreals if I have to be technical) - that this whole putting effort and intention into relationships is very hard for me. I like to think I've made friends here, but in my heart of hearts I wonder "Who would miss me if I moved back to the Enchanted Forest?" I know that's selfish of me, that people are remembered for their actions instead, but sometimes I just wish there was proof my existence made a difference. I know Alban believes so, but they see the good in everyone, and as much as I love that about them, I can't shake the feeling they're viewing the world through Eyes of Roses. I wonder if [s]my inst[/s] these insecurities are why I ended up where I am now. I wonder if my parents still speak of me fondly. By the Greenman's grace, let the night wash over these thoughts and cleanse them in dreams, rinse them in the morning dew, and banish them with the rising sun.

10/20/18 PC Another quick journal entry, [i]I am tired[/i] [s]Running around through all the shops and getting a Costume Entry ready does that to ya[/s]. Today Jasper and Rhosyn reached Stage 2!! I'm so proud of them!! We celebrated back in the dorm room by letting them decide what tonight's dinner was (Rose wanted dandelion salad with berry tea and Jasper wanted raw meat. . . she got anchovies. Lapis and Citrine are down for anything so I just avoided the fish). I need to spend some time with Lapis and Citrine, but I've been so busy lately. . . that'll be tomorrow's goal. Entered the Costume Contest dressed like this: [img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/483518266786971650/503051020650283008/LovePeace_Halloweave2018.png[/img] *The image was pasted in with a speech-bubble with the words "Love and PEACE!" drawn in, followed by a hand with its fingers crossed. There is also a poorly-drawn donut added in the upright hand* He's a character from a Pre-Cataclysm show, which is ironic because it has a post-apocalyspe setting. I've only been able to find about 6 surviving episodes on an old disc buried in Lycus's lab, (not sure how it got there) so the plot doesn't make much sense, but the characters are great! I really like the main one, Vash the Stampede, so I decided to try and dress up like him for Halloweave! Hopefully other people like it too, even if they don't recognize him (Amarayne already did, which surprised me! Maybe there's a bootleg copy Piper's been passing around. . .). And with that, I'm off to bed!

[b][/b]10/21/18 PC Whew, today has been busy! I'm still running around like a cheeprometz with its vine chopped off between the various shops, but I think I have a plan now. I'll focus on dyes/popular food items while the cooldown is off, and work toward acquiring Halloweave items during the week. Otherwise I have no idea how to balance my budget ; ; I have to have enough saved for when Haiz opens up for a new batch of beans, which I have no way of predicting when will happen. Ah well, such is life. I wish I didn't feel like I need to collect [i]ALL[/i] the limited event items, but there is NO WAY I can collect [i]all[/i] of this year's items along with all the previous years ; ; Ugh, I'm trying to not let that get me down, but it's hard. I better open up my giveaway idea soon so people have time to learn about it. Learned that lesson the hard way with Thursday the 13th. I know my Kith really want to put on an event for Halloweave, but I don't know if I'll have the time. . . I feel bad for letting them down like that though, I'll see what I can do. On the bright side, I've learned something really neat about myself since attending Hope Academy and interacting with its students, and it's that there's a word for me not really being interested in dating! Well, more like the activities, okay, activity, ([size=10]it's sex[/size]) I associate with dating, and this week is apparently an official week to celebrate and raise awareness for it! I'm dressed to celebrate it, hehe ^^ It's so cool to me how people have come up with their own crests and colors to express their identity with, like the family crests EF has! I like how they're emblems people can choose to identify with here at Hope, not something that has to be passed down or born into. I mean, I take pride in my family crest, it just- brings me pain right now. It's nice to have at least one small part of me I can be proud of still. I really have Hope and my Kith to thank for that.

10/26/18 PC Oof, classes hit me hard this week, not to mention I got sick Tuesday night during a lab. At least the professor was understanding and let me leave class early. Also, she knew what my sickness was? Apparently I've been suffering from ocular migraines since my pinion feathers grew in, and they're not dizzy spells? Well, that's what I called them since I couldn't think of a better way to describe them! I thought it was blood-rush, lack of sleep thing, like a really intense version of how your vision sometimes blacks out when you stand up too fast or move suddenly. Now I've gotta keep a diet and sleep journal if I want to prevent having more in the future, ugh. [s]I'll just stick to this journal thanks[/s] Citrine's. . . Citrine's not handling the new announcements very well. They're making him homesick for a place he's never been to, with a history he's never been told. He's been quite moody because of this. Even Lapis can't cheer him up. I really want to focus on the Halloweave items, but I'm just one secret away. . . I'll send him to get metal tomorrow, hopefully Othidar's quest is almost done. Am I being selfish? It's so hard to tell sometimes, I'm not the best at limits. . . On the plus side, I came out as asexual to my family, and it went better than expected! And my brother is back home from completing his next segment of military training! [size=10](I'm still working on not being jealous, Harpy help me)[/size] It. . . oh, who am I kidding. It went better than expected, but they still can't see the broader picture. They connected my low sex drive to my gender, but it's not a gender thing, it's an [i]ace[/i] thing [s](is saying it's a me thing better? Like I have a low sex drive because I'm me, not because I'm female. I just happen to female, me being male won't change my sex drive, I think. Ugh, now I'm overthinking again)[/s]! I wish they didn't divide everything into these rigid categories: fighter or healer, blessed by the Harpy or not, from EF or outsiders, fight or flight, weak or strong, I could go on. I, I can't fit into all these categories, and it took living at Hope to make me realize that. No one functions under absolutes, we all fall somewhere in between. And yet, why do I feel like such a failure? That there [i]must[/i] be something I can do, something I'm doing wrong that's causing them not to understand me. What if I'm wrong? Who decides who's right in a situation like this? I don't know. Maybe, maybe Skyler has some good thoughts on this issue. Because I'm sure as hell burnt out over it. I've thought my thoughts to death over this. My prayers to the Wizards Three feel so hollow right now. Where is your guidance now, Merlin, your wisdom, Greenman, and your bravery, Harpy? I sure could use them right now, if you could spare some. I guess I better try and get some sleep. Staying up certainly isn't helping me any.

[b][/b]11/1/18 PC So I've spent most of this week stressing about trying to get Citrine and the rest ready for Halloweave, but when it came I just didn't have the energy. I was going to pass out cookies from Di's Prism Party that Rhosyn and I had baked, but I've just felt so sad today, [s]and I don't know[/s] I think it's an hormonal imbalance thing, if I remember my science lectures right. I think it's also because I'm very stressed about the Myth and Mages campaign I'm trying to help run and a party my old nestmate is helping me to put on. We were too busy with classes so we decided to have a Halloweave party with our friends on Friday instead. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing for either of them! I tried drawing a treasure map tonight, but I have [i][b]no clue[/b][/i] if it's what the DM wanted! I tried asking, and got an "anything will do" reply, but I can't seem to get my brain to work that way! People tell time and time again that trying is enough, that existing is enough, but then they turn around and have so many [i]expectations[/i] of you! Like to never misuse the Harpy's gift! Don't speak ill of Heartwood, that's disrespecting the Greeenman's sacrifice! Like, I get it, kinda, but it's frustrating nonetheless. It's why I miss the military, I knew what was expected of me there. What was thought of me was clearly laid out, nothing was open to interpretation. I knew when to wake up, how to get dressed, the social expectations, my obligations, my future. Now, now I'm stuck trying to navigate a social environment where everyone already knows the rules so no one thinks to explain them, and there's not one person who knows all of them anyway. I have no clue who I want to be now, but I have to come up with [i][u]something[/u][/i]. If I had a Secret to share, it would be that. I didn't want to leave the EF military. I loved it, I was proud to serve my country, to make use of the Harpy's gifts! But losing one's wings, completely, however temporary, is a capital offense. It shows carelessness with the gift we were entrusted with, makes light her sacrifice. So now I'm here, trying desperately to fit in. Somewhere, anywhere. That's not my home. Please, Greenman, the Wizards Three, am I really that - I know it wasn't done out of ill will, I wasn't expelled from EF, only their military, but it's not home anymore. I don't know how to explain. It's home until I'm there, and then anywhere else would be better. And I still feel miserable. I knew this would be the one time where writing it down doesn't make me feel any better.

11/2/18 PC I'm still feeling a bit down, but I'm doing much better now. I spent some good quality time with my Kith and chatting with Jay, so I'm doing much better now. I wonder if Robin would ever let me use her garden like Andre does, maybe if I offer to help her weed? Idk, it might be worth a shot, as long as I don't bring Citrine or Lapis along (I think they take turns digging up her garden!). If only she'd be open to teaching them how to garden, I'm sure they'd stop trying to get into it. . . I think she could be really good with raising Kith if she wanted to, she certainly has a nurturing and patient nature, even if it is selective (I don't meant that as a bad thing! Boundaries are good, but it's not like she'll go the a and b the c of d for just anyone! Ugh, that's true for most people too. . . She's like a rose instead of a lily? That's the only way I can think to explain it ; ; ). I'm, still not sure of my feelings toward Robin. She's wonderful, and I treasure our friendship, but beyond that? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like I have so much growing to do myself that there's no room, that I'll never be mature enough to be in a relationship. And since I'm ambivalent to the matter, I don't think I'll ever end up in one. You gotta pursue things you want to happen, right? That's why flirting exists, or at least that's what it seems like to me! That reminds me, I better start prepping for Palentine's Day! That's Hope's next big holiday, right? Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something important. . . Anyway, I was feeling down so I forgot to mention it, but I completed Othidar's Secret and unlocked the Shadow Stage two days ago (just in time for Halloweave)! Citrine has been besides himself and sneaks off to converse with Mawnite and Hero whenever he can. I think he's taken to sleeping at the graveyard in between my travels. . . That sure brings back memories! I'm so glad the Slasher turned out to be such a great guy. Lapis even managed to find me a Witch's Cauldron today, although I still can't cook any of TSS recipes I've be hoarding, lol. It's an excellent start though! Also, I'm going to try journaling every day this month as my NaNoWriMo challenge! I don't have the time to do the official challenge, but I still want to push myself. Plus, I haven't been as consistent recently and I've felt bad about that. This birb is starting to feel tired though [size=10](and Rhosyn is glaring at me again, oops!)[/size] so it's goodnight for now!

10/3/18 PC If I get it in before midnight it still counts! Right?? I'm deciding it counts. So far my favorite shopkeeper in TSS is The Dollmaker, he's just so soft and gentle! This surprised me, because I thought The Scribe was going to be my favorite based off her posts during the Thursday the 13th event (now I get why people want The Scribe to "step on them." She's actually rather demanding and bossy. Are we sure she's not The Narrator I've heard about??). Oh, I still can't believe what happened to me today! The lovely Ruevian, Mistress of Hairstyles, tagged in her boutique today! She'd remembered [s]our conversation in passing[/s] I had casually mentioned I loved her hairstyles, but I couldn't wear them because of all my feathers! That day she showed me how to properly fit a wig over my feathers (turns out birbs can wear wigs, I just was doing it wrong, whoops!), and mentioned she was considering trying to make some feathered styles as well. Not only did she remember our passing exchange, but she wanted to know what kind of styles I would like to see! I'm very excited to see what she comes up with, I'm a big fan of her items, but I'm still in shock she went out of her way to consult me directly. Like, we don't talk a lot and I was expecting her just to make a design and share it with other students later, not consult me directly about it! I'm still all a"twitter," as Dizzy would say! Sorry for rambling on, it was just a moment that meant a lot to me, I'm still in shock, lol. I just want to make it clear that while I admire Rue's works, I do not (or at least I'm trying not to) put her on a pedestal. I just thought we operated in different circles, so I'm just in shock she reached out to me specifically, that she had me in mind for her next item! I thought she wanted to make feathered hairstyles out of personal interest, the fact that she'd want it to be something (specifically) I'd enjoy has me over the moon in shock! I just wanted to make that clear, I hope my distinction makes sense! I really hope one day I figure out what I can do to help support HU and the people in it. Oops, I have 7 minutes left, I better save the rest for tomorrow!

10/4/18 PC So Rue replied back to my feedback, and it was just as I feared: I don't know anything about art ; ; I'm feeling super bad now because she went out of her way to try and make an item I'd like, and then all my feedback was basically just the way it was meant to look. I feel like I've let her down. It's still a cute item, it reminds me of Dorothy from Wizard of Oz! I just feel like I made a bunch of unreasonable demands that left Rue frustrated. Ugh, I'm probably reading into everything too much. It doesn't help I've been feeling down still for no reason. I thought it would go away after. . . "shark week?" I think that's what I've heard Hope students call it. I've been hiding out near the Tatters because if I go back to my room my Kith will want to play, and that just seems so exhausting right now. I feel bad, but I don't know how to get this feeling to stop. I also can't figure out what I'm supposed to have prepared in regards to the Myth and Mages thing, so now I'm avoiding that friend group. Why am I like this? I really miss being in the EF military at times like this. Sorry, I'm really feeling like I've being a total bitch right now, and I hate it. It just feels like if I focus on anything else I'm ignoring the issue though, ugh. I wish I wasn't such a nervous pile of feathers. I wish I wasn't afraid of losing Hope as a home too. Has anyone from Hope University ever been expelled? I'm afraid to know the answer. I think it's time I go back and cuddle my Kith. Rose usually has good advice for these situations. By Merlin's grace I'll start to feel better after that.

10/5/18 PC Feeling better today, although I'm still not 100%. Ugh, I really just need to take the hit and check up on the Myth and Mages planning, I don't think I have enough time for it tonight though. Tomorrow morning for sure! Lapis'll hold me accountable for that, all my Kith really (They can be really fixated at times, which has its pros and cons). I've been getting better about balancing my time between my Kith (Citrine is still lurking around The Shadow Stage, I'm starting to worry a little. I think his last visit to Andre didn't go so well, I'll have to find time to talk to him! I'm not good friends with the shopkeepers there yet either, I hope they don't mind Citrine exploring!). Lapis has been super enjoying himself and has [s]been keeping his tricks down[/s] lessening his amount of pranks, which I sure appreciate (come to think of it, he may just be helping Dizzy raid Othidar's pantry instead, I better keep an eye on him)! I think Jasper and Rose have been a really good influence on him. Citrine and Rose are still getting along well, both have been pestering me for a perfume kit recently, and everyone loves the story about Lycus's jar of moss (I get asked to re-tell it at least three times a week)! So apparently, I wasn't around when this happened, back when Hope students were trying to help Lycus discover the Enchanted Forest (or the Coral Reef, I'm not too sure) a student (I think it was LilNeps) sent him a gift of Mending Moss and a wand of growth. The results were spectacularly disastrous! Mending Moss that kept growing, and well, mending for miles! I don't remember how they managed to contain it (Lapis and Citrine have some pretty clever and entertaining ideas for this), but you can see it sitting in the back of the University Lab in a jar. I think it's sweet he kept the gift, I'm surprised Lenta didn't insist on taking it back to EF to study and contain it. Y'know, royal duty and responsibility and all that fluff. (If I ever find the original post I'll paste it here) If there's one thing I really like about Hope University (I've seen both Hope University and Hope Academy, so I'm assuming those terms are interchangeable) is their uniforms! I technically came in as a second year (somehow my military training counted as prior study? Or something like that?), but thanks to Maripo I'm able to sport the original School Spirit green with its matching First Year Blazer! I should probably fund Rue's feather pigtails, they'd look so cute with my current outfit! For now though I'll stick with one of her wonderful Colbat wigs! Speaking of stories, I promised to read my Kith one before bed tonight! Goodnight, may Merlin's grace rest upon us all!